


Erase and Rewind

by carpelibris



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-04-30 09:17:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5158400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpelibris/pseuds/carpelibris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being convinced at the pub to come to a party at Chloe's, Finn's already looking for the quietest escape plan. Hiding, or really sulking in the kitchen brings him to the one person he's been trying to avoid all night. A few beers, some bickering and one almost conversation is an eye-opener to a side of things Rae would rather he'd have been kept from.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Finn hadn’t moved from his spot at the back of the house for the past hour as Chloe’s party had got into full swing around him. He hadn’t ventured further to the front of the house passed the kitchen. He had managed to avoid any familiar faces that night bar Chloe who had hovered nearby for that first half hour to make sure he didn’t saunter off, at least until those older blokes she’d been hanging around with recently arrived and he was left alone in her kitchen to contend with the sea of faces crammed around every corner of her house. From here he could be his usual grumpy sod, a night out wasn’t the best idea. Not after he’d ended it an hour earlier with Olivia in the pub, but Chloe had been persuasive and despite himself he didn’t want to let her down. The music from the speakers in the lounge reverberated around the rest of the house till he could almost feel the music thump against him as the night wore on. Finn stood with his back to the crowd then turned around and fished a beer out from the fridge and moved to lean against the counter and looked out through the back door. Izzy and Chop were supposed to have been there an hour ago and there was still no sign of the pair of them. He considered packing it in and making an excuse to Chloe when he caught her eye from her spot through the archway of the hall.

‘What’s up with you?’ Chloe weaved her way through the groups dotted along the hallway and folded her arm over her waist and held her drink in the other.

‘Think I’m going to head off.’

‘Oh, what?’ Chloe lowered her drink, looking slightly dejected. ‘But you’ve only been here five minutes.’

‘Yeah but,’ he gave her a small smile and let out a breath, ‘I’m not really feeling it tonight Chloe. Cheers for the invite.’

‘Everybody’s not here yet. Archie’s coming round after his shift and it’s been ages since any of us has had a catch up. Please just stay for a bit.’

‘Alright, half an hour. I’m helping my dad with his vinyl in the morning.’

‘Thanks Finn, I just wanted everybody round’, she touched the side of his arm. ‘It hasn’t been the same since we started college.’

He left her to get back to her guests and ambled about for a while after that, eventually settling near the front hall so he could slip out later without the fuss. Four middle of the road songs later there was a commotion at the door and he could just make out Izzy’s excited voice as she greeted Chloe at the door.

‘There he is, told you he’d turn up,’ Chop bellowed behind him when Finn looked round as Chop held his free arm out and clapped him across the back, ‘alright?’ Chop frowned as he looked at him properly. ‘Your face looks like a slapped arse.’

‘You said half nine you pilllock,’ Finn hissed under his breath. ‘I’ve been ‘ere two hours.’

‘Sorry, me an’ arch got held up at the cash and carry. Got right stuck up about IDs round there.’ He clanked the bag of bottles together and grinned over at Chloe who gave him a thumbs up as she took them off him and stuck them in the sink with the rest.

‘You came!’ Izzy hugged him to her and beamed up at him. ‘You coming through with us?’

‘Yeah, just for a bit.’ Izzy wanted to press him but must have thought better of it because she waved over at Chop who had wandered through to the lounge and followed after him along with Archie with Finn following just behind them.

‘Where have you been you minx?’ Finn got to the doorway when he heard Chop bellow over the music from the other end of the room at someone. ‘Haven’t seen you in ages, we were gonna file a missing person’s case lady.’

‘I’ve been about, just busy,’ Rae’s voice was soft as she trailed off her excuses. Finn stayed where he stood outside the living room. They’d agreed to be mates again and he was happy with it, but seeing her with Liam made that harder than he cared to admit.

‘You coming to sit with us?’ Archie asked, ‘we’re all just huddled over there,’ he offered. 

‘I was supposed to be keeping an eye on her tonight, haven’t seen her since we sorted the music out before everybody came’.

‘You’re ok, we’ve got it sorted as well. We’ll keep an eye.’ Archie reassured her.

Finn turned the corner and stepped through into the room. His eyes found Rae just as Liam shot her a wolfish smirk and pulled a face at her, Rae nodded over at him. ‘I should probably head back over. Maybe later, yeah?’

‘You sure you don’t want to come over for a bit?’ Izzy shot her a rejected look.

‘Better go.’ She excused herself and ducked under someone’s arm where he was leaning against a door frame. He watched as she made her way back over to Liam and sat down on the small space on the couch he had left.

‘Hate him,’ Chloe muttered under her breath beside Finn. He hadn’t seen her move, but she was standing beside him outside the living room looking in. Her voice had that hazy croakiness when she’d had a few drinks. ‘I didn’t even invite him. Every time I’ve seen her he’s with her. Can’t even talk to my best mate without him being there. It’s doing my head in.’ She wrapped her arms across Izzy’s shoulder as she greeted her. Chloe passed her a bottle of Hooch and the two of them hovered just beside him.

‘I don’t even see her at college anymore. They just sit by themselves, even Izzy and Arch have tried.’ Izzy nodded as she sipped at her drink. ‘I want my mate back’. She put her hand over Finn’s shoulder as she passed him to get back to the rest of the gang and he looked down at her, his face unreadable.

Liam’s hand gripped on the bottom of Rae’s thigh where she sat chatting to some gormless looking bloke in a white t-shirt and ripped up jeans on the sofa in Chloe’s lounge. Finn ran a hand through his hair and shifted where he stood as Rae’s eyes met his for a brief moment before she was pulled back into the conversation. Finn could see she was all smiles and laughter over whatever the other bloke was saying. Liam shifted closer to her and put an arm over her shoulders and he could see through her closemouthed smile that it didn’t make her comfortable. She looked back over at him then, like she was lost for a moment before she was once again pulled back into the conversation as she pulled down on the sleeves of her shirt. Finn glanced down at his half empty bottle and excused himself with that twinge at the top of his chest working its way down. He swallowed the rest of his beer down to kill off the feeling and headed back to his spot in the kitchen by the back door so he could have a smoke.

‘Are you alright?’ Izzy looked up at him with a look of sympathy across her small features.

‘Fine Izz’, she gave him another worried look as she moved her eyes towards where Rae was siting and back over at him, worrying her bottom lip. He loved Izzy, but he really didn’t want her sympathy. Didn’t want the attention. ‘Thanks.’

‘We’ll be over there if you want to come over.’ Izzy hovered for a few seconds and out of the corner of his eye he saw her pained look and watched her go back to join Chop in their corner where he and Archie were standing near the speakers while Chop flicked through the CDs around them.

He settled back in his space, ignoring two of the girls from class attempting to start a conversation with him. They soon gave up and he was left alone long enough to polish off another two drinks and blend into the furniture. He thought about getting his coat and had been distracted enough that he hadn’t seen Rae move from her spot on the sofa to go into the kitchen for drinks. Too busy looking anywhere else but that direction. He didn’t even know she was there until she was over by the fridge and leaned against the kitchen door.

‘What are you doin’ here?’ She ventured, attempting nonchalance. ‘Thought you’d be out with Olivia.’

‘Chloe invited me at the pub earlier, dragged me here really.’ His gaze stayed downcast as he fidgeted with the top of his hair.

‘D’you want a drink?’

‘Nah, I should probably head home in a minute.’

‘Thought maybe we could have a bit of a catch up.’

‘Thought you were with Liam.’ He watched as she glanced over her shoulder.

‘Couldn’t be bothered listening to him slagging everything off any more.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘He won’t notice.’

‘Where do you want to go? There’s not much room.’

‘Anywhere I can hide for a bit,’ she admitted. Finn gestured over to a spot between the table and cupboard and she followed along after him.

‘You alright with a beer?’ She nodded and he passed her a can and took another bottle out from the fridge for himself.

It grew quiet after that and they pretended to be getting into the music in the next room. He caught her dancing absently where she stood. After a beat he joined in, nodding his head to the beat and gave her a warm smile as she looked at him. They were lost in their own world messing about through the next few songs when bloody ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’ started playing like some sort of cruel irony on the universe’s part and they distanced themselves from each other and he felt the air between them cool once again. Rae opened her mouth to speak but he couldn’t hear a word.

‘You what?’ he yelled, struggling to be heard over the song.

‘I said…’ she leaned forward towards his ear where her lips just missed touching his skin but he didn’t hear the rest of the sentence when she was drowned out again when the track was abruptly changed and another one blared on. The beat kicked in and the crowd in the living room lit up with movement and yells. She wrapped her fingers around his and led him through the maze of figures and back out towards the middle of the house.

‘It was quieter up there earlier.’ Rae stopped once she had led him through the hallway and up towards the landing at the top of the stairs. A few people had camped there at the bottom set of stairs in various slumped positions with one couple buried in each other’s necks as they weaved past and up to the top of the stairs and sat down.

‘What’ve you been up to?’

‘Not much, just helping my dad, bought a load of new vinyl at a car boot,’

‘Anything good?’

‘Dunno, haven’t listened to much, not really been in the mood.’ He cleared his throat. ‘What about you?’

‘Not much, just college and Kester every week, nothing much’. The song changed again to some generic dance track and Rae was mouthed along to the words when Finn looked. ‘Thought you thought this was shit,’ he scrunched his eyes in a laugh and met her eyes properly and had to swallow back the lump rising in his throat.

‘It’s shit,’ she assures him offhandedly, ‘just gets in your head that way.’

‘Just admit you like it and take the knock to that superior taste in music of yours.’

‘Not going to happen.’

He pulled a face, his bottom lip jutting out on one side in a mock grimace at her music taste. ‘If you say so.’

‘I’d literally rather stick my head in a deep fat fryer’.

‘I’ll take your word for it then,’ Finn smirked and tried to take another sip of his empty beer. ‘I’m gonna get another drink d’you want?’ He held up his bottle in question.

‘I’ll come with you,’ she started to say before he heard Liam laugh and pass by the stairs and watched as Rae craned herself round the top bannister to hide herself where she sat.

‘You can wait here if you want to. I’ll bring you one over.’ She gave him a wan smile of thanks and he moved down to the bottom of the stairs and attempted to make his way through the crowd of increasingly intoxicated bodies and through to the kitchen.

‘Haven’t seen you all night mate, you coming to sit with us?’ Archie caught up with him and emptied some ice into his cup as an excuse to stick around.

‘Maybe after,’ Finn’s gaze travelled back up involuntarily to where Rae was sat and Archie’s eyes followed. He gave Rae a wave and she gave a small one back from the top of the stairs and looked back at Finn with a look of understanding. ‘Right, we’ll leave you to it then.’

‘We’re just talking.’ Finn said flatly, Archie clapped him on the shoulder and moved back to stand back beside Izzy and Chop. Out of the side of his eye he could see them shoot another worried look his way from where they were, but he didn’t stop to make his way back to the top of the stairs.

Since he’d been gone a queue had formed outside the upstairs bathroom behind where Rae was sitting. Finn passed her her drink and settled back down beside her when Rae shifted closer and leaned against him to let someone past and he caught the ghost of her scented shampoo till she moved back and it got quiet between then once more.

‘Are you and Liam together properly then?’

‘I dunno,’ Rae shrugged it off and moved to turn the conversation again. ‘What about you? You still seeing Olivia?’

‘No, we split up.’ Her face gave nothing away as he continued, ‘sort of had a date earlier, but I cut it short and went round The Swan when Chloe found me’.

‘Why’d you leave?’

Finn scrapped at the paper on his beer bottle as a distraction and looked out towards the bottom of the stairs as he answered. ‘We just weren’t clicking, she had a mortgage and I haven’t even got an overdraft for fucks sake,’ he managed a half laugh, ‘and it’s not fair to mess somebody about, so I left it.’

‘Right. Sorry mate.’ He hated that word, he was never her mate. They were always more than that. They would never be just mates.

‘It’s alright.’ He looked out towards the rest of the house.‘What about that Amy? Thought she was giving you a hard time.’

‘She was, but she took a swing at me outside English and so she’s suspended again for a bit.’ He looked over at her with concern flashing across his face, she simply shrugged.

‘What are you going to do when she comes back?’

‘No idea, assume a new identity probably.’

‘Rae.’

‘I’m alright. I know how to dodge people.’

‘I know,’ he murmured, but not low enough that she didn’t catch it. Even if she pretended not to. He stared at her for a few beats, she wouldn’t look him in the eye.

It wasn’t a good idea, opening up old wounds like that; but it was hard to think of anything else with her sitting so close and still managing to feel a million miles away. He could hear the first few bars of some Peter Andre track and Rae let out a huff.

‘Right, now that is shit.’ Rae excused herself with the music change, backed away as far as she could get from him and stood up to lean over the bannister and yell through to the living room. ‘Chloe, get that shit off.’ Finn could just about make out the back of Chloe’s bright red dress and watched as she looked over towards them and shot Rae a look of annoyance for getting interrupted from chatting to her group and switched the stereo over to the next track with an irritated flick of her hand.

‘Wish you would’ve said ought about it, all that going on,’ He said, louder this time over the music, not looking her in the eye and staring ahead towards the off-white walls. ‘Would have done something.’ 

If she was hoping to escape talking about it she would be disappointed. It took so long for her to answer that he thought maybe she wasn’t going to.

‘You shouldn’t have to get dragged into everything…’ she shook her head, not knowing what to say. He waited for her to finish, peeling off the label on his bottle. ‘All of that. The stuff in my head,’ she shook her head and he snapped his head up towards her then, his face scrunched up in confusion. ‘You don’t deserve to have to deal with it. You don’t deserve to get all that shit about us at school. I know you hear stuff. People say things and I didn’t want you to be embarrassed of us. I was embarrassed for you.’

‘You know that’s total bollocks Rae.’

‘It’s the truth.’

‘I would’ve told you that I don’t care. I don’t give a toss what a lot of knobheads at college think.’

‘Yeah, but I do.’

Finn felt his jaw clench and this throat tighten. He downed the last dregs of his beer and rolled it between his hands and chewed at the side of his cheeks. The silence got so heavy he was about to leave when she turned towards him on the stair, hands jammed tightly between her knees.

‘You don’t get it,’ she didn’t hide the exasperation in her voice. ‘You haven’t had people saying stuff behind your back or to your face every day. For years. You’ve never had to deal with any of that.

‘Because I didn’t know it was happening. You didn’t speak to me.’

‘You think you won’t, but it gets to you. You’d look at me different. Same as them, and I’m not doing it. I can’t.’

‘That’s bollocks’ he scrunched his face. ‘Is that really what you think of me? That I’m that much of a prat?’

‘That’s not what I’m saying.’ Her voice was quiet but he wasn’t letting her get away with it.

‘Then what are you saying then?’ The hurt cut through in his voice for a moment before it went back to a flat anger. ‘Because it sounds like you dumped me because you think I give a toss about what they think of me or you. That you think I’m the same as them.’ She moved to get up and leave.

‘Rae’. He held her wrist lightly and she stopped for a moment. Long enough for him to finish. ’I’m sorry I didn’t notice any of those pricks saying things. I’m sorry I didn’t know or I would’ve done something about it if you’d told me. I never cared about any of that, never heard any of it, and I just cared what you thought. I just cared about you, I still do Rae.’

‘Then I’m sorry, right. I know I fucked up, alright. I know.’ There was anger in her voice, but it wasn’t at him, not any more. ‘I always fuck things up, I don’t get why you’re surprised.’

‘You haven’t fucked anything up. Half our mates are downstairs wishing you’d come back and hang about again. Everybody misses you’. I miss you.

‘I’m sorry, right. I’m sorry.’ Her voice waivered under the strain, the hurt and anger at his pushbacks breaking down and he looked at her, feeling stricken.

‘No, I didn’t mean…’ He didn’t like seeing the red creeping around the bottom of her eyelids as she held back tears. It’s all bad timing and mixed emotions. He knew it was wrong, a totally stupid idea that he’s going to regret in the morning. They’ve both had a bit to drink and neither of them are thinking straight enough to remember any of it, but she’s all he can see as the music dulls around him and her eyes are looking at him. He wished he’d look at her like she had in the summer. Like they were still the best thing to ever happen. He’d imagined this scenario for weeks, months after it had all gone to shit, but not like this. Not when there’s all these things between them, all the things he hasn’t had time to talk out.

None of it mattered, not then. Not in that moment. His hands were already buried in her hair and caressing the side of her jaw. His lips found hers and blotted everything else out. He poured everything into it, into the kiss. All the feelings that hadn’t gone away, all the things he wanted to say but didn’t have the words for. His thumb stroked at the soft skin of her cheek as their mouths found each other properly. It felt like being able to breathe again where he’d been floundering in her absence. Like searching for air and finding it in her touch.

‘You must be well pissed mate, fuckin’ hell.’ Rae pulled away like she’d been struck and he was dazed long enough for the figure standing in front of them to worm his way past them. He was an older guy, one of the ones Chloe had invited. Heavy set with dull eyes and skin edged with patchy facial hair and a sore around his mouth. His words were loud enough for the group at the bottom of the stairs to look over at them as Rae’s face dropped. Finn paid no attention to their audience, he tried to stop her hands from breaking away from his as she scrambled up. Her face crumbled under the strain not to show how upset it made her and in that moment it hit him with painful clarity. He really hadn’t noticed half of the stuff she was dealing with. He hadn’t a clue. In that moment he wanted to tell every person looking over at him in either a smirk or morbid curiosity exactly where they could shove it.

‘I’m gonna go.’ She pulled at the ends of her shift sleeve and stood up before he knew what was happening.

‘No, Rae, wait.’ He shouted out at her desperately while she had pushed her way through the throng and disappeared into the crowd downstairs and he lost sight of her altogether. He cursed under his breath and by the time he’d pushed his way past he saw her just as she’d ran into Liam outside the living room, cornering her between Finn and the door. Finn closed the distance and stood at the bottom of the stairs.

‘Alright chief?’ Liam looked him over briefly with a smirk, like he’d won. He wasn’t into knocking people about, he didn’t like acting the hard man apart from setting a few twats in town straight, but Finn struggled not to wipe the look from his smarmy face. He swallowed it down and raised his jaw in greeting, not sure he could manage much else.

‘Where’d you get off to?’ Liam leaned on the wall opposite her and gave Rae a look somewhere between amusement and overconfidence. Rae looked over at him with a look of mock irritation, a painted on jokiness he seemed to buy, but not Finn.

‘Got distracted,’ she said, avoided looking Finn’s way. ‘I’ve been sat round here all night, we just ran into each other there’, she lied, looking at Finn then back to Liam. ‘Where have you been?’

‘Got caught up chatting. This party’s total shite’. Rae looked uncomfortable and risked a glance at Finn, but she didn’t disagree. Something unspoken passed between them until Liam shot her a bored look. ‘You ready?’

‘Yeah’ she sighed and pushed her hair back. ‘Just need my jacket. I’ll just get it.’ she needed the excuse to get away from it, from the two of them and bounded up to Chloe’s room where she’d let just the gang leave their stuff and pulled her leather jacket out from where it lay under Finn’s.

She shrugged it on and shoved her hands deep in her pockets as she made her way back downstairs. She was guarded then as she stood between the pair of them, looking straight ahead, not meeting either of their gazes as though he might have tried to touch her.

‘We’re probably going to catch a bus, back to mine?’ He looked at Rae who shifted from one foot to the other.

‘I think I might call it a night actually and just head home.’ The knot in Finn’s stomach loosened twinge as she said it, but continued to sting as he watched them.

‘Suit yourself, let’s get on then.’ He was already halfway out the door and didn’t look back as Rae caught up with him, but not before a last guilt ridden look at Finn fleetingly before the door closed behind her.

Finn left not long after despite pleas from the gang to stay, just long enough to avoid crossing them. He said his goodbyes, collected his jacket and left. The walk home was silent, but his mind wouldn’t shut up. He kept replaying everything they’d said. Remembering the way her lips felt against his. It was over all too quickly and not quickly enough. Finn didn’t know which one he wanted more; if he wished he could wind it all back to before or just pretend it had never happened in the first place. That he hadn’t just become painfully aware of how clueless he’d been to her struggling, not to see the looks and the comments, that she didn’t trust him enough to tell him it was going on. It would go round his head for the rest of the night. He tried to blot it out of his head as he slipped his cold hands into his jacket pockets and bowed his head against the cold night air.


	2. Chapter 2

It had eaten at him all of that night. All the way home he had thought about it. About what she’d said. Liam’s hand on the top of her back when they left, that bloke’s greasy face sneering between them. The top of his chest stung and Finn slept fitfully, waking up on the hour every hour. Saturday came and went in a blur into Sunday morning and Finn ended up lying in a bit before he showed his face downstairs. He had barely touched the toast made for him, excusing his dad’s worry with another hangover excuse. He heard him mumbling along to the radio as he pottered about behind him with the dishes, wondering where the moody teenager had retreated to the point where he didn’t even bother to give him a hard time for his rubbish taste in songs.

‘You alright? You haven’t touched anything.’ He looked over at the plate and at him, dried his hands and slung the dishtowel over his shoulder.

‘I’m fine. You still want a hand with that stuff?’ Finn gestured his head back to the living room to the crates of records his dad had taken out from the boot of his car last night.

‘I can do it myself if there’s somewhere you’d rather be. You haven’t been right since.’ He didn’t finish but Finn knew what he was getting at.

‘Sorry,’ he got up from the table and cleared his plate away. Dropping the now soggy toast in the bin.

‘No need.’ His dad shut the fridge over, ‘you could take the bin out and I’ll get started on that lot.’ He headed through towards the living room and Finn gave him a brisk nod with his jaw pulled the bin bag out and dumped it outside in the rubbish, his mind elsewhere.

They spent most of the Sunday afternoon organising the new sleeves crouched beside the record player and messing about with the order. First alphabetically, then by height, colour then genre which then turned into just an order or preference till neither of them could be bothered sorting through any of it again. The hours crept by with the pair of them putting records on and looking through the album art.

‘Your Uncle Derek rang yesterday. Wondered when you were going to ring him back so I told him you’d give him a ring this week.’

‘Yeah, sorry. I forgot.’

‘He just wants to know if he needs to sort the spare room out or not,’ his dad pretended to busy himself stacking the empty crates but Finn knew he didn’t want him going to live down there in Leeds with him and Finn was having second thoughts of his own.

‘I’ll ring him.’ His tone was apologetic and he seemed to accept the answer and joined his son on the couch.

The TV came on a while later but he lost interest to what was going on onscreen and he tuned himself out of it all.

‘I’m gonna go out for a bit,’ Finn got up and padded to find his shoes.

‘Okay, take your keys’ he called out from his seat. ‘Got an early night, I need to be there for five in the morning.’

‘Got them’, they jangled in his hands as he shoved them into his pockets. ‘When will you be back?’

‘It’s just overnight.’

‘Right, see you on Tuesday then.’

‘Look after yourself,’ the look he gave Finn told him he probably wasn’t just talking about heading out at night. He collected his jacket off the hook by the door and stepped out. Autumn was creeping towards winter and the air was sharp as he breathed in and he could’ve done with a scarf or something warmer to wear. He hunched over slightly to stave off the chill and quickened his pace. He didn’t think about where he was going, almost walking from memory.

The street loomed into view and he rounded the corner down towards where the silver car was parked in the drive. Finn moved past it and rang the bell, impatiently waiting outside her door. A blurred figure made its way through the opaque glass and the door opened out to Rae peering out at him in surprise, ‘Finn.’

‘Can I come in?’ Rae looked out at him, her fingers round the side of the door. She hovered behind the door and then stepped out uncertainly, her expression uneasy under a small smile.

‘Are we living in a barn?’ He heard Mrs. Bouchtat yell from the kitchen. ‘You’re in or you’re out Rae.’

Rae opened the door out and he was through the door and upstairs before she could register that he’d walked past her and stood just outside her door till she moved past him and let him into her room properly. He nearly tripped over a stack of cardboard boxes and he looked at his surroundings properly. Taking in the way everything was packed away. Most of the things in here room were boxed up apart from her bed and a few things on her desk. The rest was taken up by tins of paint and trays.

‘Do you want a brew?’ Rae offered where she hovered towards her door.

‘Thanks,’

She left him in her room and it got quiet enough for him to register there was music playing low on her hi-fi across from the bed. None of her CDs were out. Just the one cardboard box was open with some of the things that lined her windowsill poking out from the top. That and a single tape case laying open with her writing and drawings covering the front and sides. He looked round at the bare walls. It felt weird, like the personality of the room had gone, like she was gone. He tuned into the track playing and recognised what it was towards the end of the song as it faded out.

A few minutes later he heard her make her way back upstairs and moved to the door to help her, taking a mug in his hands with a quiet thanks. He was glad of the ceramic between his fingers because he didn’t know what to do with his hands.

‘What are all the boxes about?’

‘She’s shipping me off to my dad’s.’ His look of panic made her face soften and she shook it off, reassuring him she was joking. ‘Don’t know, she’s a weirdo, runs in the family.’ She watched as he shifted around, not sure where to sit or stand and paced across from her at the desk. He bit on the side of his thumb and struggled with something. ‘What’s up?’

‘Did you get him alright on Friday?’ The question was redundant. She was standing there talking to him. Of course she’d got home alright.

‘Yeah, fine. Did everybody else enjoy the rest of the night?’

‘Don’t know. I left after you did.’ He drummed his fingers on the side of his mug. ‘Thought you’d be round Liam’s or something,’ he fished for information, but he wasn’t going to get it.

She took a sip of her tea and then put it on the floor to the side of her feet against the bottom of the bed. ‘Didn’t feel like it.’ She took a breath, ‘after the other night,’ she looked uncertain and she started again. ‘Supposed to be keeping it casual,’ she dragged her hands over her leggings.’…it didn’t make me feel that good’, He looked at her as what she said registered across his features.

‘Right,’ he swallowed, not knowing what to say.

Rae pulled at an invisible thread on her sleeve to avoid him. ‘So I’m not-plus he slagged off Bowie, and that’s not ‘appening.’ She tried to make a joke, wanting to avoid the whole topic.

‘So you’re not, you an’ him?’ He wasn’t sure what he was asking, they seemed to dance around it.

‘Not really.’

‘Okay,’ was all he could manage. There was a cold silence between them for what felt like hours, but was probably about five. He drank the rest of his tea down in one and put the mug down on the desk behind him, ‘I wanted to ask you something about the other night.’

‘It’s alright. It’s fine,’ she straightened herself on the bed like she was bracing herself. ‘I talked a lot of bollocks, we can just forget about it. It’s fine,’ she tried to reassure him but it fooled no one.

‘No,no,’ he tried to tell her with his expression. He didn’t want to forget about it, she didn’t either. She wouldn’t be looking like that if she didn’t care. ‘I meant-I meant what happened. Before you left.’ It ate at him, it itched in the back of his throat threatening to burst out in a jumbled mess. He could feel the chipped wood under his hands as he gripped the desk. Rae waited for him to answer and pulled her legs up and underneath her and picked at the threads of her quilt.

‘Is that what it’s like for you?’ He surprised her with his voice and he looked at her where she sat on the bed, hands folded under her now. ‘All the time?’

‘Not always’, she answered. ‘Mostly it’s behind my back or when people think I’m not looking now apart from Simmy and Macca, but yeah.’

He chewed on the inside of his cheek. He’d realised as much last night, but hearing it from her made it that much worse. ‘Those twats in town, was that not a one-off?’ It wasn’t a question. It was a statement of fact. His hands gripped for something solid and found the back of her chair.

She shook her head and attempted to be casual about it. Rolling her eyes like it didn’t bother her. ‘They’re painfully unfunny, Jabba’s not even clever.’ He gave her a pained look, jaw flinching and eyes widening, taking it all in.

‘Was I like that, before? Was I like that with you?’ His mind was reeling thinking back to that first few weeks. When he’d been a colossal prat to her mouthy comebacks. He felt sick.

It dawned on her then what he was thinking, what he was asking. ‘No,’ she shook her head, voice quiet. ‘No, you were just annoying. An’ I’m used to it.’ That last part just made him worse and he was back to pacing again.

‘I hate it.’ She watched him as he let out a breath and leaned against the desk and ran a hand through his fringe. ‘I really hate it Rae. It’s bullshit.’ He looked at her with a pained look and dropped his hand to his side with the thud. ‘They don’t even know you.’ He looked to her like she had all the answers, but he came back empty. ‘I don’t get it. I don’t-I don’t understand.’

‘It’s just how it is.’ She spoke before he could say another word, shrugging matter-of-factly. Finn stayed where he stood, not knowing what to say to any of that. That was the reality of it, He could see Rae thinking; giving him the get out clause, that at least now he knew so he could get shot of her properly before she dragged him with her.

‘They don’t know you, Rae.’ They didn’t deserve to.

‘I’m loud,’ she offered. ‘I swear. I drink pints. I tell jokes for fucks sake.’ She huffed in a ragged breath and he raised his eyebrows at her like she was stating the bleeding obvious. She shifted on the bed and made an exasperated noise and slumped back onto the covers. ‘Girl’s aren’t supposed to tell jokes, you don’t like it. We’re supposed to just sit there and laugh at your crap jokes and drink diet coke and be a chuffing size eight.’ Finn was looking at her like a second arse had grown out on the top of her head and she knew he wasn’t going to get it.

‘And I’m fat, and I’m mad and you an’ me,’ she pointed between them and dropped her hand onto her lap, ‘we don’t make sense outside this,’ she gestured around them and shrugged pulling in her bottom lip and giving him a look like what did he expect? ‘I don’t get why you like me, nobody else does either.’

He scrunched his face in disgust. ‘Bollocks,’ he mouthed. ‘You can’t tell someone who they’re allowed and not allowed to fancy.’ He couldn’t comprehend how she could say any of it; that that was what she actually thought. He was stumped for words. All he could do was look at her feeling hapless.

He saw how she was ready to just accept what anybody else thought. She kept her head down like that made it alright. She just accepted it as fact and it was maddening.

‘I don’t get how you just deal with it.’

‘I don’t. I haven’t been, that’s the problem.’

He couldn’t ask her what he wanted to ask. The question hung in the air, threatening to suffocate him. A look passed between them and she understood what he was asking, she tugged at the hem of her jumper, not answering it.

‘That’s how it is, how it’s always going to be,I’m always going to be fat and mental and people are going to say stuff.’ she repeated, pulling the conversation back from where it was going. ‘An’ if you can’t handle it then,’ she searched for the words without looking at him, ‘maybe we should just leave it. Not even be mates.’ Finn’s faced fell, his hands dropping down his sides.

‘Is that what you want to do?’ His stomach lurched and his breath caught for a bit then she shook her head from under the curtain of her hair and he let go to breathe again. He moved from the desk and sat beside her on the bed. A Care Bear face looked up at him from the sheets. A sugary smile plastered on its blue fuzzy face where he sat like it was mocking him. Rae picked at the bobbles on the quilt. It made it a bit easier to say some of it.

‘I can’t tell you why I like you,’ he raised his shoulders and dropped them again, feeling lost. ‘I just do. It’s not just one thing,’ she looked doubtful under the cover of her hair hiding her features from him. ‘It isn’t. It’s all of it. All of you,’ Finn shrugged, not knowing how to say it. ‘You drive me mental when you won’t admit I’m right’ he let out a breathy laugh. ‘Everything’s either brilliant or crap with the things you like and you’re one of two people I want to talk to. When I’ve got stuff going on you’re always the first person I want to speak to and I don’t want to speak to anybody most of the time.’

‘It hasn’t been like that with anybody else. If I don’t fit with you then I’m obviously not right for anybody because I don’t think I could feel like that with anybody else an’ if you do then I can’t argue with you because,’ he was struggling for what to say and just dropped it.

‘I don’t think that’, she murmured down at the floor. He didn’t look at her so raised her voice. ‘I don’t.’

‘Then who gives a toss about any of that other bollocks?’ She didn’t have an answer for him.

‘I know you’ve got stuff, I know,’ he said with his face still close to hers. ‘We’ve all got stuff going on. I don’t understand some of it, but…but I think I’d have tried, I tried to tell you that at the pub.’ He felt desperate, that whatever he said wouldn’t work. ‘Let me try, Rae.’

‘Finn.’

‘An’ about all that other stuff,’ he rubbed at the side of his ear. ‘I’m crap at this,’ he huffed and searched for the words. His hands were dropped in the middle of his lap where his gaze stayed till his eyes slowly travelled upwards from her knees to her chest where they lingered long enough for him to get caught staring. He gave her a warm smile, looking slightly abashed. ‘I like it. I like you.’ Rae’s eyes darted down and she suppressed a smile and looked up to shoot him a joking look as if to say well, obviously. The pair of them didn’t know where to look after that.

There was no room for embarrassment now. It was all laid bare, nowhere to hide. That was the hard part.

He saw her waiver and reached out to brush her hair behind her ear. His fingers brushed against the side of her face and he felt her lean into him. Her hand reached over to grip his tentatively till he wrapped it around hers. Rae looks at him uncertainly and he locks eyes, moving his face closer and paused, making sure she wanted him to. He could feel his pulse speed against his chest in a mixture of excitement and relief as she moved closer and closed the space. His lips found hers with ease and he guided her down towards the pillowcases and she gripped at his shirt tighter, their foreheads pressed close and he could see her eyes close over, her eyelashes resting against her skin.

‘Alright?’ He searched her face and felt her breathing slow and she nodded without opening her eyes. She looked up at him eventually, meeting his gaze and nodded at him properly.

‘Yeah.’

Neither of them said anything. They just stayed where they were together with her face close to his and his arm tangled under her. The quiet didn’t weigh him down anymore, it felt peaceful. Away from all the things going on, from everything else outside the poster-less four walls. Away from college and Leeds and running away from feeling miserable. Everything still felt up in the air, but if they had this, this one thing they’d be alright.

‘What are you going to do about Liam an’ Amy?’ The question is out of his mouth without time to think about it.

She groaned and put her hands over her face. ‘Oh shit.’ He pulled her hand away and put it back down beside his.

‘Don’t think about it just now. It was a stupid question. Don’t think about it. Sorry’. He made sure she was listening; that she was looking at him, pulling the pillow down to see her face. Finn weaved his fingers between hers absently and she gripped them back, reassured with the contact.

‘I meant what I said, Rae. About not caring. I just care about what my mates think. What you think.’

Linda must have been suspicious of the quiet because they looked towards the door together as they heard her making a lot of racket downstairs as if in warning. The floorboard creaked downstairs as she moved to the living room and over to the stairs.

‘Rae,’ she yelled up from the bottom step. ‘That’s the back of ten now, you’ve got college in the morning.’ Rae huffed and shot a glare outside the door.

‘I should head back,’ he said but neither of them made any intention of moving. One hand was curling the ends of her hair round his fingers, the other stroking his thumb over the side of the hand closest to him. She looked up at him wordlessly and craned her neck over towards his spot on the pillows.

‘Fuckin’ hate college,’ Rae muttered into his shoulder. He moved the pillow away from her face and moved himself closer nodding into the top of her hair in silent agreement.


	3. Chapter 3

Monday reared its ugly head with two missed alarms and a hurried dash to get dressed and out the door in time for college. Finn didn’t have time to do much except scramble together whatever he could find to wear from the floor and the end of the bed that passed for clean, snatch up his football kit and bag from the floor and rush out the door to get the bus through into town hoping he wouldn’t miss meeting up.

The house was already too quiet on his own as he locked the door over and made his way down the street to his stop. He made it just in time to catch what was supposed to be the earlier bus. The universe had other ideas. The bus idled a precariously long time two stops down from his house as a group of pensioners argued over the fare and he fidgeted in his seat. He only had the half hour before they had to be in class. Meeting up before the first bell would at least make college seem less crap for once. Finn occupied himself looking out of the window and dug his hands in his jacket pockets, moving down in his seat as he waited for the bus to eventually move again. 

Ten minutes longer than it should have been he sprung down out from the sliding doors and marched to get to the right street in time before the next bus arrived.

Chloe was there first. She was huddled in her green bomber jacket outside the café across from the bus stop waiting, pacing to keep warm where she stood and straightened up a little when Finn made his way over to stand beside her. ‘Hiya.’

‘Do you want a brew?’ Finn greeted her and gestured with his thumb behind them as an offer.

‘Don’t think there’s time’ she shivered and shifted from side to side to keep warm, ‘it’s just gone five to eight, thanks.’

The minutes passed, maybe she wouldn’t show up. She hadn’t promised anything and didn’t owe him. As he was about to ask Chloe if she’d heard anything the idea died as Chloe saw her before he did and he saw her wave somebody over as Rae came into view and rounded the corner. He looked over and she was wearing her usual leggings and skirt with a jumper and a green parka as she waved back. Finn had been late, but Rae was later and luckily so was the bus.

‘Morning,’ he greeted her with a warm smile.

‘Mornin.’ A look passed between them and Chloe gently reminded them that they should get a move on.

Rae’s hand found his and he gave it a reassuring pull towards him as they fell into pace together with Chloe walking slightly ahead as they headed across the road to catch the bus. It was quiet for the first while until Archie got on at his stop a few trips later and sat behind them and across from Chloe who was finishing off some last minute homework revision. The two of them got into comparing their work for each other and he and Rae were left alone to split a set of headphones between them on the rest of the trip down. Rae gave her usual marks out of ten for whichever tape he decided to play, out of the three tapes in his bag there were probably about six songs she thought were passable. Finn just rolled his eyes and wound her up about it for the rest of the drive.

The familiar white purple and green signpost loomed ahead all too soon as they all collected their stuff and went to wait by the doors downstairs to get off. The dull grey concrete of the college grounds came into view with people funnelling down through the gates ahead and collecting around outside. They got off the bus and made their way just past the gates and into the car park were Izzy and Chop were messing about perched on the bonnet of Chop’s car.

‘What happened to you lot? Cutting it close.’ Chop greeted them.

‘Bus took ages, could’ve done with an extra ten minutes to get this finished to be honest though,’ Chloe slotted her notebook between her arms. Izzy slid from where she’d perched herself on the bonnet, gave Chop a quick peck on the lips as the rest of them saw him off as he said goodbye, peeled the car out from the space and left.

‘I like your top Rae,’ Izzy mentioned as they stepped into place.

‘Thanks,’ Rae went quiet as they made their way into the campus properly and stiffened as the four of them walked past the benches and groups clustered around. Rae kept her gaze low and tried to get past as quickly as possible. Most people were busy keeping to their own group and shuffling from one foot to the other to stave off the cold of the morning while the early morning frost was still in full swing.

‘You alright girl?’ He asked slowing down.

‘Fine.’ She stopped as they got through the gates and he twisted to see if she was ok again. ‘I think I’m going to give it a miss,’ she struggled to keep her breathing in check and twisted to get away.

‘Rae, hang on.’ He called her back and walked over to stand in front of her, taking her hand again tentatively.

‘It’s fine, you should go on ahead of me. See you in a bit yeah?’ Her voice was even but her face was giving her away as anxiety clouded her eyes.

He frowned, not understanding why she didn’t want to come with him when it dawned on him that she was panicking about walking through college holding his hand like that. It wasn’t just about fitting in, it was survival; she’d tried to point it out to him before. Being him like this in college made that hard for her. Finn kept hold of her hand and dared any of them to try; to so much as think about saying anything. Nobody looked over and continued on with what they were doing. Her hand gripped his till they got towards the doors to the main entrance. He let go of her hand, separating them from each other.

‘Better?’

She gave him a small smile of thanks as her free hand pulled open the door. He stayed close to her as they navigated through the throngs. They stopped before they went their separate ways just outside the English corridor and the science block. Finn turned back towards her, stepping a bit closer so she would hear over the noise of people milling into their classrooms.

‘I’ve got a double after this and football later, but if you wanted to I could meet you for break,’ he ventured with a hopeful smile.

‘Yeah. Yeah, alright,’ she agreed with a smile.

‘Get you in a bit then,’ he raised his eyebrows and gave her a cheeky half smile as he walked backwards to keep talking to her and turned into a slow jog to weave his way through the increasingly crowded hall to get to class on time.

The morning seemed to crawl past. P.E followed by maths wasn’t the best combination on the best of days but it was worse in winter with the heater in the maths department overheating making the room feel like an oven when he’d just cooled down from running and football from the last class. By the time he got out he felt like boil in the bag rice and probably looked a right state. Brilliant. He sprayed some more deodorant on and padded outside to sit on one of the picnic benches further round and out of the way to wait. Finn took his notepad back out from his bag and pretended to work on something till Rae arrived, but it didn’t seem to make much difference. He still got approached again at least three times since he sat down.

‘You sitting by yourself Finn?’ One of the girls from Maths with the yellow blond hair and dark eyebrows, Nicky or Vicky, sat down beside him close enough that her leg pressed against his uncomfortably and she shifted over in his seat. She didn’t move and leaned her top half over the table towards what he was doing.

‘Waiting on someone,’ he muttered low. If she was disappointed she didn’t show it. A few other girls sat down around him and Nicky/Vicky kept on.

‘Oh, are you seeing anyone?’

‘Yeah, I’m waiting on her so,’ he hoped that would be enough to get them to leave but they just seemed to multiply making him feel like he was on display.

‘Who does your hair?’ Another girl asked across from him. He didn’t answer and rubbed at the back of his neck, feeling his back tensing under the scrutiny.

‘Are you going to the footie match in the park later?’ Nicky or Vicky asked, leaning an elbow on the table.

‘Yeah,’ he replied and they eventually realised he wasn’t giving them any more than a four word response after ten torturous minutes and they soon got bored and left him alone. Eventually he gave up and he moved out from the benches altogether and waited for her just further down near the bike shelter and rolled a cigarette in his hand and took a drag to settle his nerves.

‘Thought you’d be sitting round there with Archie and that,’ he heard her voice and turned around to see Rae make her way to where he was standing. He followed her gaze to see Archie sat with a group of blokes he recognised from one of the football teams.

‘Thought you weren’t coming for a bit.’

‘Got held back in English.’ She sat down beside him and dropped her bag down onto the floor and looked over at him properly, seeing he was slightly rattled. ‘You alright?’

‘Yeah, just got a bit bored hanging about.’

‘Sorry.’

‘It’s alright.’

They chatted back and forth, sitting close by but not close enough so that there was a gap between them so Rae wouldn’t be uncomfortable with the curious looks they’d get if they sat like they did in the pub. Chloe joined them not long after and slumped down on the bench across the table. ‘Double biology is just sadistic. Thought I was never getting out.’

‘Is Izzy not coming?’ Rae asked.

‘She’s inside with some people from drama.’

‘You fancy coming round to mine later?’ Chloe asked her, ‘me and Izzy are getting a film in, you coming?’

‘I can’t. I’ve got Kester after this.’

‘Ok, give me a ring later then.’

‘You on for coming round to mine on Wednesday?’ Finn ventured and she tilted her head in his direction with a small smile reserved for him.

‘Yeah, I’ll ring you tonight.’

For the rest of the break they talked amongst themselves and went their separate ways once the bell rang again.

College wrapped up for the day and Finn couldn’t get out of the place fast enough. He had been padding quickly through to the other end of the building past the library and the vending machines when he crossed paths with Rae again outside the main hallway and he moved quicker to catch up.

‘Rae,’ he called over. She turned around hesitantly and when she realised it was him she stopped and met him by the windows.

‘What’s up?’ She asked quietly, keeping watch around them.

‘I just wanted to catch up before you left to walk you out.’

‘Two minutes I forgot to collect the homework sheet.’ She ducked back into the classroom and came back out a few minutes later stuffing the paper into her bag and shifted is back over her shoulder again.

As he waited Liam made his way down the corridor and stopped just in front of her, ‘you coming Alarm Girl?’

Rae shook her head and Liam turned behind him when she didn’t follow.

Finn looked between them and then turned to face Rae, ‘I can walk you, if you wanted to,’ he offered. Liam gave him a look he couldn’t read and the air seemed to change in the cramped hallway as people continued to file past them to get home.

‘It’s alright,’ Rae finally spoke and shook her head. She turned to look at Liam, ‘I’ll see you there.’

‘Suit yourself.’ She watched as he pulled the corners of his mouth down raised his eyebrows at the pair of them and turned to go down the hallway and out through the double doors.

‘So does he go to Kester’s as well or?’ She nodded and worried her bottom lip confirming what he already guessed.

‘It wasn’t mine to tell.’ He stayed where he was, not knowing what to say, needing time to think.

All those times he didn’t understand why she went about with him. Why out of the whole college he was the person she’d went to. Thinking back to that time in the pub with chloe it dawned on him, “He just gets me; we’re the same.”

They pushed through it albeit awkwardly and Rae was the first to speak again.

‘Did you still want to go to the pub on Friday?’

‘Chop’s already planning a night out for everybody.’

‘Who’s got an empty?’

‘Nobody. There’s something on somewhere. His mate from work knows some bloke who knows somebody running it, got no idea,’ Chop hadn’t given him much detail. ‘So he’s trying to get us all in.’ They knew it wasn’t likely, not if it was the same mate who told Chop there was a secret gig somewhere that turned out to be just a carpet warehouse in the middle of nowhere.

‘So, pub then?’

‘Pub,’ he agreed with a laugh.

‘I’ll give you a ring after,’ she promised and he let her go and went to find Archie and the girls.

The days that followed took a similar pattern and most of the rest of the week passed without much incidence. Thursday had been looking to go the same way. The day was drawing to a close with the last class of the day. Technical wasn’t usually anything interesting. All the projects were wrapped up for the year and they were left to work on practice diagrams for some tape holder or car parts.

It was easy work and they had a lecturer, Mr. Grant, who occasionally let them off early. Finn used it as an excuse to jot down playlist ideas and drawing absently on his paper and let his mind wander to plans for later on. He was used to being left alone. He didn’t pay attention to what was going on around him, only tuning into fragments of conversation around him.

‘Did you not hear?’ Macca didn’t bother to whisper, ‘bout him and that massive bird.’

‘Nah mate, she said she wasn’t. Somebody was just having a windup.’ A second boy chimed in.

‘Said he was the other day, Vicky asked him outside.’

‘Aw, now that is rank. Girls like that are proper slags. Probably getting at it on tap.’ As if to prove the point Simmy decided to crudely mime.

Macca pulled his breath in through his teeth, ‘Poor fucker.’ That brought a wave of snickering behind his back towards the back of the classroom.

‘All this talking back there must mean you’re finished. Do you need me to give you more to get on with or do you want to keep your mouths shut?’ Mr Grant bellowed. He wasn’t asking them, not with an expression that told anybody with half a brain he clearly wasn’t in the mood. Most of them were living proof it was possible to function without a brain cell to rub between them so they continued on.

Their lecturer left the room for more photocopies and Simmy used it as excuse to move to the side of Finn’s desk. ‘Alright mate?’

Finn barely looked his way and continued with what he was doing, unaware of what had been going on behind him.

‘You having a drought or something?’

‘You what?’ He looked over at Simmy’s sneering face, his brows furrowing, wondering what he was getting at so he could tell him to do one.

‘You and that fat bird, Rae Earl. Somebody said you were going out.’

Finn brushed him off what an expression of Yeah, and?

‘Did you lose a bet or something mate? That’s not right that.’ Simmy gave him a grimace as if he was being sympathetic but his face barely contained a sneer. Finn clenched his jaw and looked over at him with cold eyes.

‘It’s a windup innit?’ He continued on, oblivious. He either didn’t care or he just to stupid to notice as he scrunched his face and tilted his head like he was in on some sort of conspiracy with him. Like they were friends. ‘Imagine shagging that,’ he made a face of disgust and said some other things under his breath about it towards his mates at the back of the room. Finn only caught the odd word but what he did hear made him want to scrape the chair back and ram his fist through his ribs. ‘Is it true then…proper minging girls, must have a magic…He heard that part and his stomach burned and contracted in anger making him tense in his seat. Who the fuck did they think they were?

Sense stopped him from moving. Having to explain why he was in the Head’s office with a busted up hand to his dad and leaving Rae and the gang waiting behind for him got him to swallow it down. Getting suspended wasn’t on the cards. He had to be smart about it. He could wait.

Finn raised his face so he was looking directly at Simmy with a stare that made the room go silent. ‘Good thing what I do’s not any of your fucking business then.’

A few more people noticed and looked away from their desk and over, but Finn didn’t look away. The door to the class swung open and knocked against the metal of the storage cupboard against the wall as Mr. Grant struggled with a box of worksheets and papers. He thunked it down on his desk and looked over to see the standoff.

‘There a problem lads?’

The pair of them shook their heads, Finn didn’t look away once. Daring Simmy to give him a reason to knock him into the linoleum. ‘Leave it outside and get on with your work then.’ Simmy sauntered back to his seat, wasting time till the bell went.

It was different when they got out of class. Simmy was walking alone when Finn caught up to him. He hadn’t seen Finn move and jolted when he rounded on him. Finn grabbed the front of his shell suit and gave him a hard shove into the gate.

‘I’ll tell you what mate.’ He exaggerated that last word squaring his shoulders. Simmy darted around to see if anybody was going to notice and come over. Nobody batted an eyelid and continued to file out of the building. He wasn’t so smirky now, not without his mates backing him up. As Finn cornered him between the gates he went white like he was about to piss himself. ‘Why don’t I worry about what I’m doing and you keep your thick as pig shit mouth shut.’

‘I’m sorry, I was only messin’ about.’ Finn didn’t give him an inch and he struggled in his grip.

‘You or any of your twat mates say anything to Rae or my mates or go near them I’ll knock your teeth in, alright.’ He watched carefully as he wordlessly agreed and scrambled away as soon as Finn shoved him hard out of his way and let him go.

Finn stepped off and shifted his bag back on his shoulder properly and made his way out and started the journey to the park to channel most what he’d held back at football.

It was the early evening by the time Finn got home. Finn struggled with unlocking the front door with his kit and dumped the bag up in his room. He switched the TV on for some company and picked up the phone, pulling the cable so he could sit on the stairs and took a few minutes to think up what he was going to say. He owed his uncle a call, but family or not it was one of his least favourite things to do. He wasn’t any more comfortable with talking to faceless voices than he was face to face with this kind of thing. At least face to face you could see them react, you could see what they were thinking. He picked up the receiver and punched in the number and waited for someone to pick up on the other end.

‘Hello?’ A woman’s voice called down the line.

‘Hi Pamela, is Uncle Derek in?’

‘Hiya love, hang on, just a minute.’ The sound on the other end muffled as she put her hand over the end of the receiver and shouted, ‘Derek.’ A few more muffled noises and disembodied voices later and he heard the phone being picked up again and his uncle’s voice.

‘Hello?’

‘It ehm, it’s Finn’ he started, rubbing at the side of his ear. ‘I was just calling to say that I’m probably not going to be coming down. I’m gonna leave it. Thanks for the offer but I’m gonna stick things out up here for a bit.’

‘Oh, right.’ His voice gave nothing away, his dad was the same, but usually only used it when Finn had fucked up.

‘Is that ok? I wasn’t trying to waste your time, I just had a lot on.’

‘No, it’s alright’ he admitted calmly. ‘Just surprised. Your dad seemed to think you were set on coming down.’

‘Yeah, I was, but…’ he trailed off, not knowing where to start. His uncle seemed to understand anyway.

‘Your dad needs you there anyway.’

‘Yeah. I know.’

‘Tell him I was asking for him.’

‘Will do.’

He hung up a few moments later feeling like a small weight had been lifted for the night.


	4. Chapter 4

Finn came home that afternoon to another empty house. He dumped his bag by the bannister at the bottom of the stairs and attempted to tidy which just consisted of putting the cushions back on the couch and spraying some furniture polish into the air. Everything was still too quiet. The radiators clanked every now and again and every sound the house made felt more amplified when it was just him in it. For somebody that spent most of his time avoiding talking to people he never did like being alone. He stuck the TV on for some background noise and stepped into the shower.

Things went back to normal when his dad came back with the usual take-away in when he was home too late and couldn’t be bothered sticking anything on. He heard him rummaging around in the kitchen once he was out of the shower and dressed. Finn padded downstairs and helped him dish everything out from the blue plastic bag and opened the containers out onto some plates and sat down on the table opposite him. He shuffled half of his curry round his plate.

‘Everything ok?’ His dad looked over at him and frowned slightly at the still full plate.

‘Just some stuff at College,’ Finn shook it off and took a bite, scrapping around the rest on his plate again absently.

‘Somebody giving you bother?’ His dad took a bite of his curry and looked over at him, expecting answers.

‘Just some jumped up prat,’ he rubbed at the back of his neck. ‘He was saying things about-‘ he shook his head, not wanting to talk about it, not in front of him. He didn’t want to repeat any of it. ‘I nearly-I should’ve…’

‘Right,’ his dad dropped his fork back down towards the plate as he realised what was going on and Finn could see a look of worry cross his dad’s features and felt a pang of regret for saying anything.

‘I didn’t,’ he said after a beat, not looking his way. ‘I wanted to. Wanted to punch his face right in,’ he grimaced, thinking about it. He should have, ‘but I didn’t.’

‘You don’t use your fists to sort everything,’ he sighed and dragged a hand across the top of his head ready to give a lecture and then softened. ‘You were sticking up for your mates, yeah?’ Finn nodded down at his plate. ‘Just watch yourself. I’m not getting a phone call to come collect you from some station somewhere.’

Back at college he’d been worried that things would kick off. Pricks like Simmy always had mates to back them up, but as it turned out being a total knob to half of college hadn’t won him many mates. Neither Simmy nor Macca or any of the rest of them were anywhere to be seen apart from the one class early in the morning. If anybody talked about any of it they didn’t do it to his face.

‘So, you’re sticking it out at College for a bit still?’ Finn nodded and they ate in silence, avoiding the elephant in the room.

‘Called Uncle Derek yesterday,’ he said to break the quiet. ‘Told him I wasn’t coming.’

‘What changed your mind?’ Relief passed across his face and Finn felt bad that he’d been considering it. ‘You and Rae sort things out?’

‘Yeah,’ he smiled. ‘Think we’re getting on.’

‘Good,’ he gave him an encouraging nod. ‘You look happier.’ His dad blinked up at him fluttering his eyelashes in mockery and Finn narrowed his eyes and shot him a look.

‘Give over,’ he sighed with a laugh but he just continued to wind him up till Finn left him to deal with the dishes. Going back upstairs to stick some music on his mind wandered to dark hair, full lips and long pale legs that stemmed out from the top of her swimming costume.

After college the next day Finn headed round to The Swan where the gang were sat round their usual table with the first round in. Chloe was looking irritated from where he was standing near the side entrance as the door clunked closed behind him. He got over and sat down and caught the rest of the conversation after taking a seat beside Rae and Chop went up to get him a drink.

‘She knocked six marks off because I used the wrong wording. She’s just doing it because she can.’ Chloe folded her arms and sat back in her seat.

‘What did you write?’ Rae asked.

‘I wrote that he was taking him to the discotheque and then to eat him,’ Rae pulled a face at her. ‘I know, thought was weird but last week there was one about some bloke called Pierre who dressed cats or something,’ she huffed.

‘Right,’ she answered nonplussed, ‘and what was the answer then?’

‘Chose a manger, same thing,’ Chloe tutted.

‘Cheeky,’ Chop smirked into his drink once he’d sat back down.

‘Chose a manger, not ménage a trois. It means to get something to eat you div.’

‘As if I know anything about French’ he scoffed with his eyes scrunched. He turned back towards the middle of the table.‘Right listen up,’ he hit his hands off the table, ‘got a surprise for yous.’

‘Thought it was off,’ Izzy sat up looking confused.

‘Nah, police caught wind so they moved it. Bloke at the garage said he had the new place.’

‘Is that the same one that ended up having a fox in his flat?’ Finn asked.

‘What?’ Archie looked over at them with a curious smile.

‘It was after a bender, he thought it was a dog,’ Chop answered as the rest of them laughed. ‘So you lot won’t be wanting in on this lot then.’

‘What you on about?’ Chloe looked over.

‘Got us invited didn’t I.’

‘Invited to what?’ Rae asked.

‘The rave. Gav down the garage said he could sort us out.’

‘Nice one,’ Finn looked across at him.

‘Never said you were getting them,’ Chop pursed his lips and pretended to be offended at their lack of faith in him and sat back.

‘Chop’, Izzy crooned his name as the rest of them huffed.

‘Go on then,’ he grinned and unfolded the flyer out from his pocket and put it on the table feeling proud.

‘Doesn’t say where it is though,’ Archie flipped the paper over and put it back down.

‘Gave me the address didn’t he. Right lads, we’ll get everybody round here for a few then head round after nine.’

With that agreement they set off into talking about who was wearing what and who was collecting who. A few hours and two more rounds of drinks later and the six of them made off to get back home feeling cautiously optimistic that it would turn out to be a good night. Finn walked Rae out after Archie and Chloe left them last as they went their separate ways for the night. That left the two of them to get through the carpark and the kids swing park further down between where they both lived.

‘I was thinking,’ he began.

‘Yeah?’

‘I was thinking you and me could meet up earlier, round here about eight?’ She gave him a shrug like she had back when he’d taken her to the caravan that summer and he returned it with a small smile.

‘Did you want to come round to mine and walk down?’

‘I’ll get you after seven, right?’

‘Sounds good.’

He walked her back and stood just outside her driveway till she got inside and started the walk back home happy in the knowledge that things were going right.

*

The night of the rave arrived and Finn was already getting organised. Most of his shirts were sprawled out on the bed out from the wardrobe and the rest of his clothes were strewn about the place as he got changed, thinking about the two of them under the strobing lights and music thumping against his chest. Maybe they’d have a few dances and they could have a bit of a do over from last time, hopefully with an actual debrief in the morning of a night gone right this time.

After about twenty minutes of fussing he was ready to head off. Finn padded downstairs to say to his dad that he was off out for the night and started the walk round to Rae’s.

The streetlights came on ten minutes before he reached her street. He looked up at her house to see just two of the lights were still on upstairs. He rang the bell a few times but there was no answer. Finn stepped away from the door and looked up into the lit rooms and considered shouting up to her.

The front light from their neighbour’s house across from theirs flashed on and the door opened out to an elderly woman. She moved and wheeled a green bin out onto the end of her drive and paused to look at him.

‘They’ll be at the hospital son.’ She must have seen the fright that crossed his features because she widened her eyes and then softened. ‘Think it was her mother, love.’ She pointed down the street, ‘she went in the back with her, must’ve been a hell of a shock.’

‘Right,’ he was already halfway down the driveway. ‘Thanks-,’ but she waved him off and he marched out from the curb and paced home just missing actually legging it back to his house to scramble for the keys and drive down there.

Once he found somewhere to park Finn got out of the car and headed through the main entrance of the hospital when he realised he had no clue where he was going or what wing to even go down. Clusters of people passed him by, some in uniforms and he considered asking someone but most of them seemed to be in a hurry. He looked at the sign postings and made a decision to head down towards the A&E which was more likely. He had been lucky in finding the right place. It was sheer dumb luck when he spotted the back of Rae’s hair where she was sat by herself on the metallic seating. He was quiet as he moved round and sat down beside her. He turned towards her to get as close as he could and kept the quiet around them to move his hand and spelled letters out tracing the word on her thigh.

Hi

She wiped at the side of her face with her sleeve and turned around to look at him. Rae gave him a watery grateful smile and he shifted closer to her and took her hand, gripping it comfortingly.

‘How’d you know I was here?’

‘Your neighbour said.’

Rae’s throat cracked. ‘She’s been in there for ages.’

He hadn’t been in a hospital since his Nan was there. The smell of the antiseptic and chemicals made his stomach churn and brought back a few memories he’d rather not think about. Rae kept staring at the doors, deep in thought. By the looks of it nothing she ever wanted to share.

‘Have they said anything?’ He asked to bring her back from wherever she was thinking about.

‘No,’ she shook her head, voice wavering, ‘they just took her straight in an hour ago.’

Finn wished he had something to say. Something that would help. He just sat with her and listened.

‘Does Karim know?’

‘I don’t know’ she swallowed. ‘They said they’d try and get him at work.’

‘Come on,’ he inclined his head for her to follow him. ‘There’s a vending machine round the corner with proper seats.’ Reluctantly she tore her gaze away from the doors and followed him further down and took a seat on the well-worn leather couch.

He got out some change and pressed the button a few times for some tea and passed out a cardboard cup out towards her. She took it and cradled it in her hands as her mind went elsewhere.

‘I’ve only ever been on the other side,’ she looked back towards the doors, ‘she might not come back out,’ she said eventually.

‘They’d have come back out if something happened. They’d have put you through into a sitting room or somewhere,’ he remembered.

She didn’t seem to believe him and ran the back of her hands over her leggings. He put a hand out to stop her. ‘She’s strong, same as you are.’ She scoffed at him and he could see her breaths getting shallow. He struggled with the words, what else was new? He pushed through.

‘You are. You just haven’t realised it yet. It’s another reason why I like you,’ he said quietly. ‘The biggest reason.’

‘Right.’

‘I don’t know anybody that’s gone through half the stuff you have.’ It figured that if the words were going to come it would be then. When they were needed. ‘Some people wouldn’t have got as far as you, they would’ve fell apart. You didn’t, you’re still here. It’s because you’re strong.’

It went quiet after that as they drank the insipid tea. A while later, he couldn’t remember how long it had been a shadow crossed in front and he looked over to see one of the nurses hovering over beside Rae. She sat up ramrod straight as though she was already expecting the worst when the expression on the other woman’s face must have calmed her down.

‘She’s ready to see you now if you want.’

‘What?’

‘Your sister.’

‘Sister?’ The nurse just gave her a sympathetic smile and offered to show her.

‘I’ll just be out here.’ He promised and she left him and followed the nurse down the corridor and out of sight.

Finn used the time on his own to ring the first person he could think of after his dad. Finn got the answering machine twice and cursed under his breath.

’Fucks sake Archie,’ he hissed at no one. ‘Answer your phone.’ Finn hung up and rang again. Third time was the charm and he picked up.

‘Hello?’

‘Archie, it’s me.’

‘Thought you’d be heading round The Swan.’

‘I’m in the hospital with Rae.’

‘Is she ok?’ He could hear the worry in his voice. ‘What’s happening?’

‘It’s her mum, something happened so we’re down here.’

‘Should I come down? I can come down.’ Archie started to babble.

‘Arch,’ he’d already lost him, ‘Arch listen, I’ll tell you later. Just tell Chop and that will you?’

‘Course I’ll tell them’ he eventually stopped to answer. ‘Tell Rae I’m thinking of her, and her mum.’

‘I will. Gotta go,’ he heard Rae’s voice thanking the nurse and someone sitting back down on the couch further down.

‘Phone us if you hear anything.’

‘Yeah. Later.’ He said his goodbyes and hung up the receiver. He turned around and sat back down beside Rae when she spoke.

‘I can’t believe I’m actually a big sister,’ she moved her head back towards the wall as thought she was thinking the idea through. Taking it all in.

‘Nice,’ he nodded pulling down the corners of his mouth.

‘You don’t think I’ll be annoying?’ She frowned and he saw that her eyes weren’t as dark as they’d been and felt lighter.

‘I didn’t say that.’ He smiled slyly and it seemed to cheer her.

‘Right,’ she narrowed her eyes with a nod.

‘I should head back round, just in case,’ they put the half empty cups in the bin and moved back down to where they’d been. The waiting area had gotten quieter, the two of them were only a handful of people left as the night wore on.

Rae turned around first in her seat as Karim arrived looking pale and drawn and the three of them sat quietly and waited, feeling lost and tired. Some time later Karim turned to Rae.

‘You go home. Sleep,’ he told her. ‘If I hear, I ring.’ After a few moments she seemed to accept it. She wiped at her face with her sleeve and stood up. Karim stepped towards her and pulled her into a tight hug and the pair of them stepped back to give the other a consolatory look before they separated. Finn nodded a greeting towards Karim who gave him a look of thanks and Finn went to walk Rae outside and back to the car.

The drive back to her house was close to silent. The radio was on low but he could make out the words as they faded out and the presenter filled in for time as they drove on. Finn risked a sideways glance towards her every now and again. She wasn’t as pale and her eyes weren’t as red any more. She just stared out the window as he drove.

He pulled up the car just outside her house and turned the engine off. He was startled at the noise as Rae turned to speak.

‘It’s dead late. You should go.’

‘You sure you don’t want me to stay till Karim gets back or something?’ He looked out at the empty house and back towards her.

‘No, I need to clean up and sort some clothes and that to take over there.’

‘You sure you’re alright by yourself?’

‘It’s fine. I’m fine.’ She assured him with a look. She looked drawn out but not as upset as she’d been so he took her word for it. Rae got out of the car and Finn walked her to her door.

‘Right, ring me this week then.’ It was more a question. She unlocked the door and switched the hall light on. He hesitated where he stood for a moment, unsure if leaving was a good idea, but she sounded certain. In the light from the hall her face not as ashen as it had been in the ward.

‘I’ll ring you tomorrow once I know what’s going on.’

‘Ok,’ he still wasn’t sure but he moved to start down the driveway when she called him back.

‘Finn.’ He turned around and saw her hand was curved round the doorframe. ‘Thanks, not just for today,’ for everything else.

‘’Course,’ he just shrugged.

She waved him off and he waited till she’d locked the door over and started the drive back home as the light of the next morning seeped through the sky.

She did ring him the next day as promised. They talked for a bit and a few more days passed with visits outside the ward and late night drop offs until Linda was well enough to come home. Her sister would take a while longer, just to be sure. Once her mum and Karim were back in the house properly things almost fell back into a comfortable pattern. Rae would visit the ward in the late afternoons and Karim and Linda took the mornings and nights.

They two of them were sat in The Swan a while later with the gang and things were just about as normal.

‘Heard somebody’s a big sis,’ Chop greeted her with an arm around her shoulders. ‘How’s it feel then?’

‘Yeah, alright.’ Rae swallowed with a nod. ‘Poor kid. Stuck with me.’

‘My brother did alright with me’ Chop offered, ‘only dropped me twice,’

‘That explains it then,’ Finn quipped. Rae chose the wrong time to take a drink. She struggled to swallow it and contain a snicker. Chloe laughed, Archie grinned and Izzy took some of her drink to hide a snigger when Chop turned to her,

‘Oi, you’re meant to be on my side.’

‘You did walk right into that one.’ She commiserated. He rubbed at his arm like he was wounded and pretended to pout till Izzy squeezed her arms around the top of his shoulders and he bounced back shaking his head in mirth. She pulled a face at him and he grinned at her taking a long drink and sat back in his seat.

‘It’s just weird,’ she breathed. ‘I didn’t really want to think about it and the next there’s this other…there’s this tiny person right there.’

‘Aw, that’s so lovely. What’s she like, can we visit?’ Izzy leaned over the table excitedly.

‘Izzy she’s so cute,’ she gushed, ‘an’ she’s got these tiny little hands that can grip your finger like that,’ she mimicked, gripping her pinkie with her thumb and forefinger, ‘and this really cute smile when she’s sleeping.’ Izzy squeezed her shoulders together and made a face and Rae took a breath. ‘I dunno yet, they’re supposed to be bringing her home this week, maybe.’ She took a drink and turned her head to look over at Finn and smiled.

Finn watched as she continued on and smiled as her face brightened as she talked about it remembering a few days earlier when everything had felt like it was all crumbling down around her. His hand made contact with her thigh and spelled out a word.

Ok?

Rae took a minute to answer, laughing at something Chloe and Archie had said.

Bored

He slid twenty piece across the table and they excused themselves to the jukebox. After a few choice songs the pub became more crowded so they slipped away and found a table to themselves. Rae took a beermat in her hands and ran her hand along the side to turn it distractedly. He looked over at her and she looked up from the side of eyes at him.

‘You want to come back to mine?’ She asked. ‘I’ve got an empty.’

‘Oh right?’ He smiled, wondering what she had in mind.

‘My mum and Karim are going round the ward. I’ve got the house to myself for a bit.’

‘Yeah?’ He beamed at her as what she was asking dawned on him. They got up from the table and went back over to the gang to get the rest of their things. Finn shrugged on his jacket quickly. ‘We’re off,’ he grabbed up her bag and stood to let her out from her seat. Ignoring Chop’s cheerful jeers and the hollering from the others they left and started the walk back to her house. It was quiet, full of anticipation and nervousness, but it was alright because it was just them, and everything would be ok. 

Rae fumbled with her keys and switched the light on as she ushered him inside. Her lips were on his as he fumbled to get his shoes off on the stairs and followed her upstairs. He backed his way down the hallway without separating from her. Taking the steps from memory towards her room.

‘Wait, wrong way,’ she pulled him through to what he thought was going to be her mum’s room to see that it was full of Rae’s things.

She must have seen the look that crossed his face as she turned back to him and closed the door over. ‘Karim did it, they’re in my room now.’

‘It’s nice, I like the colour’ was he really talking about sodding curtains?

She smiled and helped him take his shirt off sliding it over his shoulders with her hands with urgency. He kicked off his jeans and sat down on the edge of her bed left in just his t-shirt and boxers. She joined him a second later. His hands edged along the hem of her jumper. She obliged and crossed her arms over her sides to pull the fabric from her skin when she hesitated. Rae pulled back and he paused, his mind going back to that time at the caravan when she had a migraine.

‘Do you want to leave it?’

‘No, I want to’ she assured him. ‘I wanted to since camping, since Knebworth,’ she admitted quietly.

His hand brushed up against her side touching the soft skin there and she stilled.

’‘an’ round at yours. I just-I just couldn’t.’

‘Why didn’t you say anything? We could have just left it an-’ Rae cut him off.

‘Did you not want to?’ She looked over at him.

‘Yeah, course I did,’ he made sure he met her eyes, ‘but, I just wanted to do something for you,’ he smiled sheepishly ‘and a little bit because I didn’t fancy sleeping in a tent,’ he admitted.

She smiled and they were back to messing around with each other till she was down to her tank top, leggings and tube skirt. She stilled again.

‘Alright?’ He pulled away to look at her properly. ‘Is this okay, do you want me to stop?’

‘It’s ok if you change your mind.’

‘You what?’ He frowned, confused.

‘You might, you might not want…’ She struggled to get the words out, looking down at the bedsheets.

‘Might what?’ He sat up. ‘I might not what?’

‘You might go off me,’ she relented, ‘if you see me.’

‘Not going to happen,’ he reassured her. He brushed her hair away from her skin and let his eyes linger over her figure without shame. Telling her with every look and touch that there wasn’t any part of her that he didn’t want. ‘An’ I’ve seen you in a swimming costume, an up here, so,’ he pointed to his head. Rae looked down with a self-conscious smile and his face felt heated.

Admitting he’d thought about her like that all that time made him feel like everything, every part of him was being laid bare. Which was redundant seeing as he was already standing in nothing but his t-shirt and boxers in the middle of her room. It didn’t get much more exposed than that.

Rae laughed, looking away, ‘yeah but.’

‘Do you want to wait?’

‘No,’ she shook her head.

‘I’ll wait.’ He assured her. ‘No pressure.’

‘Just give me a minute.’ She got up from the bed and walked over to the en suite. ‘I’ll be back in a bit.’

‘Ok.’ He watched as she shut the door over and he shifted to the end of the bed and looked towards it feeling exposed; that she might change her mind about him altogether. He chewed on the side of his thumb and waited.

A couple of minutes passed and the door opened out again and he stood up, smiling as she came back into the room and gave him a small smile. She had that stripy dressing gown she’d worn the first time she’d consumed his thoughts. He’d rode his scooter to her house, tracking Chloe down to get it before he knew what he was doing. He’d stood outside her door then, not knowing if she’d give him the time of day. He had to clear the air. Scrub at least one thing she hated about him off the list she must have had in her head. The list isn’t that long. He’d never been more thankful for that than he was then.

Finn pulled off his t-shirt without breaking eye contact and he moved his hands to the belt of her dressing gown when Rae stopped him. He looked up at her and noticed that she hadn’t dropped her hands away. He let it go and brushed his hands over hers as she undid the knot herself. Finn met her gaze and slid the dressing gown off from her shoulders and traced his hands down her arms and took her by the hands. He brushed his hand through her hair and tucked it behind her ear lingering at the side of her face. She gave him a warm smile and he closed the gap and softly kissed her lips. He led her over to her bed, only stopping to check she was still ok.

‘You sure?’

‘Yeah,’ She nodded and propped herself up to her elbows. He looked down at her. His eyes darted to hers from under his eyelashes asking a silent request before he did anything more.

‘Yeah,’ her voice was breathy, eye half closed almost pleading. With that he slipped the remaining fabric covering him off and evened the score and let them fall by the wayside.

He asked a lot of questions at first. Was she ok? Was this ok, was that? Did she want him to take it slower or to stop? She assured him that she was fine, that she felt good, but he wanted to make sure and because he was nervous himself. ‘You feel alright?’ She didn’t reply and pulled him down to her.

His hands roamed the soft curves of her skin. Making sure that she knew every part of her was wanted, was loved. She let out a shaking breath as he moved himself downwards and brushed carefully down from the top of her hips and trailed down the top of her thighs to her centre.

‘Finn,’ she rasped and shifted to be nearer. He took care to continue what he had started, what he had wanted to do before they’d been interrupted all that time ago in her old room. Her sounds spurned him on and filled him with heat and pride. She squirmed and pulled him back up towards her and wrapped her hands around the top of his back. She responded to every touch, reciprocating them with her own. He groaned softly into her kiss as her hands trailed up though his chest. He fumbled to find his wallet, taking out the sealed plastic wrapper out from inside. She helped him roll it down his length he let out a sharp breath at the contact. The rain outside quickly died away as everything else got tuned out apart from their breaths and sighs as they moved.

Afterwards he moved off from her and shifted to lie close by her side, pushing the pillow down to look at her as they lay together.

‘You alright?’

‘Yeah,’ she breathed out settling back into the pillows. Her dark hair splayed against the fabric. Their breathing became less shallow and the sounds from outside returned. Neither of them said anything for a few beats. What did they say to each other now? It had never been much of an issue before.

So, that happened.

The awkwardness, the not knowing what to say melted and the ridiculousness of it made Rae snicker growing into a small laugh.

‘What?’ He tried to be serious but dissolved into a snigger of his own. The two of them fell into an awkward laughter because it was funny, and it was awkward, but it was all right. They were all right.

They settled down into the sheets and they talked in hushed tones as the sky darkened down to black and the rain died down to a drizzle on the window outside. He drifted off to the sound and pulled Rae closer as he fell asleep. All was right with the world. They were happy.

The following Monday at college brought the usual sense of dread, but something felt different. He woke up just before the alarm and groaned as he stretched his back muscles and padded sluggishly out of bed. Finn got dressed quickly and headed down for the bus. For once he wasn’t running late.

The chill that morning was sharp enough to sting the exposed skin on his hands and face as he waited outside at their usual spot. He was the first one there so he went inside the café and ordered three teas and waited inside till they were ready. He collected the drinks and pushed open the door with his back and waited outside, glad of the tea in his hands for warmth.

Chloe arrived first as normal and he passed her a cup they talked for a bit until Rae rounded the corner. Finn met her eyes and gave her a bashful smile as she neared and caught up with them. She stood close beside him and looked over from out of the corner of her eyes with a suppressed smile as she looked away.

Neither of them spoke, not knowing what to say. He smiled warmly at her and held out her tea. She took it with a thanks and took his free hand in hers as they fell into step. Chloe had chatted to them for a while but saw the looks that were passing between them and left them to it.

They stayed wrapped up in each other until he realised they were outside the doors again. He let go of her hand reluctantly and for a moment he thought she was going to hold on when she let go and they made their way through the hallways to start the day, agreeing to meet up at break as usual.

Once break rolled around he realised sitting outside wasn’t the smartest idea in hindsight. The seats were freezing as he waited for Rae and the rest of the gang to sit down. They were probably still round in class at the other side of the building so he took out his Walkman when he caught a conversation to his left.

‘You hear that ginger prick nearly got his arse kicked by one of the second years?’ one boy asked. Finn didn’t recognise either of them as they appeared out of the side of his eyeline.

‘What one?’ His friend asked.

‘That little prick that called Alan a jockstrap sniffer.’

‘Who was it?’ Finn put a hand up to fuss with his fringe and avoid being noticed as they walked past him.

‘Finn Nelson. Cornered him the other day after techie.’ The other boy gave him a doubtful look. ‘He had him like that,’ he mimed grabbing at an invisible jacket. ‘Right up like that and told him where to go.’ His friend gave him a disbelieving look but he continued. ‘He was talking shit about his girlfriend or something, one of the first years. Must’ve got him outside.’

‘I miss everything.’ The other boy huffed.

The two of them passed by the table and stopped once they realised he was there.

‘Mate, nice one telling that twat to get fucked. You should’ve lamped him,’ he mimed the action with his fist and his open hand. ‘Had it coming for ages.’

‘Right yeah,’ Finn’s voice was monotone, wanting the pair of them to go. He risked a glance over away from them towards the doors to see Rae standing a few paces away. From the looks of it she had heard everything.

How he was going to explain it? That she’d been right. Which one was worse, that he did it and he didn’t want to tell her or that he had let him get at him?

Rae looked at him from the side of her eyes as though she was trying to work something out in her mind. Weighing him up somehow. Finn couldn’t tell if it was good or bad. He just hoped he didn’t come up short. Finn sat straight in his seat as she moved near him. She sat down beside him and didn’t so much as mention any of it. It confused him for a while but there was nothing to worry about apparently because she talked on as normal about anything and everything and they argued again over albums and whichever columnist had got something wrong about whatever band was flogging a new record. Izzy, Archie and Chloe joined them soon after and they messed about till the bell rang out. They got up to go and Finn kept hold of her hand till they got nearer the main entrance.

He dropped his hand from hers and stayed in step, offering her a reassuring smile. This time, she reached for him back, slightly shaking and hesitant for a moment before wrapping her fingers between his with a hopeful look. He squeezed her hand and pulled her flush against his side the two of them sharing an affectionate smile.

They walked back inside hand in hand as if to say, right then.

Do your worst.

**Author's Note:**

> I set this in season 2 around the time of the Carnival with some events and bits and pieces changed a little to fit. So it's slightly au. I haven't watched the show for a while so I had to go from memory for some things so they might not be exactly as they were and any mistakes are unintentional. Hope this is okay and thanks very much for reading if you can see this.


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